Still running. Krispy Kreme challenge tomorrow morning. Thoughts are elsewhere today...
Discovering Durham
Back in October I started a leadership class with the Durham Chamber of Commerce and we've met once a month since then to learn about different facets of the city. We've taken bus tours and been all over the city to hear from people doing amazing work to promote, build and sustain our community. The days are long and I'm usually mentally exhausted by the end of each session though I'm always thankful for the exposure and the learning. I've learned more about Durham over 5 days than I would have in a lifetime.
Human Need
Yesterday's events, however, left me more emotionally and mentally drained than I've been in a long while. Each Leadership Durham day revolves around a central focus or theme and February's was Human Need. On paper the days events seemed similar to every other agenda we'd been given: Start at one place, head to another, end at yet another and each one highlights a piece of the process or puzzle we're looking at that day. In person and in motion, my day unpacking human need in Durham was one of the most difficult experiences I've had in quite some time.
From the beginning of the program we'd known February's session would start at Urban Ministries where we would either serve or eat with the people coming in for breakfast. We were told to observe a more casual dress code so as to better blend in with our fellow diners. On paper this seemed easy enough and, though I was admittedly a bit nervous, I trusted that the experience would be worthwhile. Well, I know now that there's a huge gap between worthwhile and majorly impactful. I wish I could say that I had an impact on the gentlemen sitting with me at table but they had a much greater effect on me than they even know.
Let's start with what we had for breakfast: 1 bowl grits or oatmeal, 3 pieces sausage, 1 slice wheat bread, 1 hard boiled egg, 1 or 2 (depending on size) pastry, coffee or water. I say we because that's what everyone coming through the line received. I have to admit I had a different idea of what we would be eating. I had in mind a hearty breakfast of eggs, toast, biscuits, bacon, sausage, juice, fruit and coffee. I thought we would have a choice. This was the first of a few gut checks throughout the day.
Then Tommy and Mike sat down. I should say that we were brought in early and were asked to sit around the room so that we could interact with... Well what do you call them? The homeless? The needy? Guests? Diners? I want to say "the others" but that makes me feel disconnected and aloof which is hardly what I felt eating with this group of people. Tommy and Mike didn't say much and Keith, my fellow Leadership Durham participant and I had trouble thinking of how to start the conversation. I introduced myself and they returned the courtesy. Keith explained that we were with a group visiting the shelter. This was the exchange:
Keith: "We're here with a group from the chamber of commerce."
Tommy: "I come here to eat."
Tommy wore a shirt with the words "Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver." After this exchange I didn't feel like bothering the guy anymore. I felt woefully out of place and horribly fake. I wanted to ask Tommy about his tattoos, to ask Mike what he would be doing for the rest of the day but words wouldn't come and we sat in awkward silence until one of the staff members came and told us we were moving on to the next part of our day as my feeling of relief succumbed to a greater feeling of shame and embarrassment. We may have shared a table but we did not share a meal.
From there we moved to the food pantry. While I tried to gather my thoughts from the breakfast table we heard about the other work Urban Ministries does to feed and clothe those in need. As I looked around the shelves all I could think was "This is it?" But this was enough according to the staff. "There are days," he said, "when we have far less and days when we have much more." I swallowed hard imagining the days with less. Then we shifted to the clothing closet where those in need can come and "shop" while their food is packaged up. The room smelled like most thrift stores and Goodwill shops: thousands of clean, used clothes that fill the room with what I can only describe as the collective essence of past memories. Bordering on musty yet smelling of a thousand homes instantly recognizable and comforting yet unsettling and overwhelming.
A look at the shelter came next. The men in our group went with Virgil, a resident, and Peter a staff member, through the men's wing of the shelter. The TV was on in the day room and red tape on the walls marked areas of floor space for those who would manage to receive a number that night. Mats were stacked in the corner, out of the way for the day. We saw the six showers which 80 men will use tonight. We saw the bunk rooms and the beds were much narrower than I expected. Plastic-covered mats like those in the day room were here as well. These were a point of pride as a large corporation with a local officepaid for them and they should last a good long while. The bed frames, we heard, came from the jail after they renovated. The men were mainly outside smoking but a few sat on their beds, enjoying the warmth and a chance to sit. One gentleman was sitting on his bed with a laptop and a Blackberry. Somehow the strangeness of that escaped me until someone in the group asked if I'd seen it. I'm not sure why I didn't see the incongruity. I'd like to think for a moment I saw him with complete compassion but in all honesty I think I just missed it.
When we left Urban Ministries I felt a bit better, not because I'd done anything but because I saw that things were being done. Virgil is a week away from receiving permanent housing through Housing for New Hope and he's been promoted at his job. He's doing really well and he's done it with support from Urban Ministries and a ton of volunteers who bothered to care and show up. I pulled out of the parking lot with a new perspective on the things I worry about and how they shape my day. Next time I find myself starting to gripe I'm going to ask myself: Is this really worth the energy?
Next up: Part 2: TROSA
Ryan
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